Grief and Loss

The death of someone close to us is one of life’s most stressful and devastating events!  We need to remember that mourning a loved one is an intolerably painful experience and it is normal to experience intense emotions and swift mood changes.
The period of grieving differs from person to person so there is not specific time limit.  Remind yourself that it takes time to heal and that grieving is not a weakness.  Grieving helps us to come to terms with our lost relationship and helps us to re-focus on the future.
The stages of grieving
Most people experience the following three stages of grieving and not necessarily as set out. Some people will jump back and forth between stages and the length of time it takes to go through the different stages also varies.

• Stage I – Numbness or Shock – Immediately after news of death, you will likely experience a period when you feel very little except a sense of unreality or numbness. This stage may last for weeks or months.
• Stage II – Disorganization – Eventually, the shock begins to wear off, and feelings begin to come alive again. You experience physical symptoms such as tightness in the throat, shortness of breath and extreme fatigue. Emotionally you may feel  angry with your loved one for dying and then become overwhelmed with feelings of guilt.  You may need to review the life of the deceased person and the events leading up to the actual death and you may agonize over things you believe you did wrong or things you think you should have done for the deceased. Most frightening of all can be the feeling of losing emotional control.  This is painful period but is normal and a necessary part of grieving. Most people will recover but it can take weeks, months or  several years.
• Stage III – Re-organization – Eventually, you will stop dwelling  on your loss, and will be able to focus on daily tasks.  The emotional pain is never completely forgotten but you may develop deeper connections with the important people in your life.

How to help a friend who is grieving
It is normal to feel guilty or helpless when faced with the inevitability of death, or feel there is little you can do to comfort the bereaved person. This is a natural feeling. There are, however, definite ways that you can help during the different stages of grieving.

• Helping with Stage I – Be a supporter; you are there to be leaned upon. Help with practical things such as providing meals, helping with funeral details and assisting with the many confusing tasks that follow death.
• Helping with Stage II – Be a listener; accept your friend’s need to vent emotions and to tell repeated stories about the life and death of his/her loved one. People need to talk about their loss.
• Helping with Stage III – Be a friend; help people to regain touch with the world around them. Encourage involvement in social activities, special interest groups, hobbies, etc.

Few people can cope alone with the pain of bereavement. They need to talk about their loss and share their pain. This is a normal part of the grieving process. However, if reactions are extreme, encourage professional help and provide the support necessary to assist the bereaved to take this step toward help.
How to cope with your own grief

• Be with caring people. Spend time with family, friends, neighbours, co-workers, and people, such as members of a self-help group, who have been through the experience of loss and grief.
• Take enough time. Everyone reacts differently to a loss. It is hard to estimate a “normal” grieving period; it will probably take longer than you expect.
• Express your feelings. Let yourself feel sadness, anger and other feelings. Find a way to express these feelings through talking, crying, etc .
• Accept that your life has changed – you may not have the same focus and priorities. You may also need to change your routine.   Remember that this is a natural result of loss and grief.
• Reach out for help. Don’t always rely on others to make the first move; they may be concerned about allowing you your privacy. Let people know when you need companionship and support.
• Take care of your physical health. Be aware of any physical signs of stress or illness you may develop. Speak with your doctor if you feel your grief is affecting your health.
• Support others in their grief. Offer support to other family members and friends who are grieving, including the children. Be honest with the children about what has happened and about how you feel. Encourage them to talk about their feelings.
• Come to terms with your loss. Move towards acceptance of the death of your loved one. Work through feelings of bitterness and blame which may get in the way of moving forward in your life.
• Make a new beginning. As the sense of grief becomes less intense, return to interests and activities you may have dropped and think about doing something new. Consider forming new relationships at your own pace.
• Postpone major life changes. Consider waiting a year or so before making big decisions, such as moving, remarrying or having another child. Your judgement may not be the best while you are mourning, and the changes may add to the stress you are already experiencing.

Do you need help?
Should you or a loved one need support or counselling please contact LifeLine’s National Counselling Line on 0861 322 322 or contact our local office (011) 421-0384 to set up a face to face counselling session.